It’s hard to pinpoint the precise moment when we internalize others’ assessments; it’s usually not just a single experience but rather a series of moments that bruise the spirit and lead us to distrust ourselves and those around us…(page 29)
We adjust ourselves to fit, to adapt to others’ ideas of who we should be. We shift ourselves not in sweeping pivots, but in movements so tiny that they are hardly perceptible, even in our view. Years can pass before we finally discover that, after handing over our power piece by small piece, we no longer even look like ourselves. (page 56)
And then we wake up at age seventeen or twenty-five or thirty-seven and realize we don’t know the last time we’ve lived life only to please ourselves. (page 29)
-Alicia Keys, More Myself (2020) Edited. I split the first quote and inserted the second between it.
Who were you before society told you who to be?
I’ve asked once before and it’s a question I have been pondering myself for a while now. We enter this world pure, full of optimism and wonder until we are told otherwise through words or deeds. Looking back, I can recall numerous instances that bruised my spirit and made me distrust myself. Instances that caused me to ignore my inner compass and follow the path prescribed by society. I went to school, got good grades, went to college, and got a good job. It was easy enough but there was always a resistance that I ignored.
I knew I didn’t want to be a classroom teacher by my sophomore year of college. Since I didn’t know what I wanted to do, I didn’t make any changes. I’ve never looked at college as a place to explore but that’s another blog for another day. Not wanting to prolong college by changing majors, I stuck it out and learned how to teach. I used that skill over the years to make money but rarely in a way that lights me up. It was usually through the boring curriculum that teaches children to be cogs in a wheel. The teacher in me comes alive when I am passionately sharing an interest or experience.
Society also shares its ideas about relationships. All along I knew I was “supposed” to find a suitable mate so I could settle down. Only then could I buy a house and start a family, but I could not advance past that point. After having two relationships in college and after not feeling any sparks my inner resistance finally captured my attention. I stopped dating for a year because I kept hurting good guys. I didn’t know it at the time but I couldn’t find a suitable mate because I was only dating men.
Adjusting
It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I began to veer off course. I did not recognize myself and knew there was more to life than just working. Ultimately, I decided that I did not want to postpone living until after marriage because there was no guarantee. So I got my first tattoo and had sex for the first time; both were pretty underwhelming and neither felt like I thought they would. In the midst of all that I decided to buy a house because of equity, and I also decided to finally give women a try. We rarely get it right on the first try but everything is a catalyst for growth. My first same-sex relationship made me reflect more on my life and past relationships with my future in mind.
Meanwhile, I hated my job! HATED! I stayed because the prescription stated that I shouldn’t quit until I found a new job. After a few dismissive experiences with medical professionals with inflated egos, I stopped trusting them completely and began to return that trust to myself. I stopped following prescriptions and quit my job.
Becoming True
It was liberating to quit but much less secure. After working for 15 years, I suddenly had a lot of idle time and no income in the midst of a pandemic. You don’t realize how much of your identity is derived from your profession until you are unemployed. I kept busy by reading self-help books and listening to podcasts but I felt lost. I’ve mentioned Unlocking Us as a saving grace but I also got into a few financial products. Despite always having an interest in money, I didn’t choose my major wisely; I should have majored in finance or something money-related.
However, it isn’t too late for me to learn about finance. I have an old textbook from a finance course, YouTube, books, blogs, and podcasts. Destiny will always manifest at the right time. Another popular saying is, “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.” I am one of my greatest teachers; I often know how to find the information I need. My strongest virtue is my individuality; my essential duty is to discover my own values and to avoid patterning myself after anyone else’s image. Fuck the prescription society gives us; they thought colonization and slavery were their essential duties. We can do better than that!
For my readers and dreamers:
I will ask again, Who were you before society told you who to be?
What is your strongest virtue? Your essential duty?
Are your fears fueling or paralyzing?